Hello loved ones,

It's been a while since I've updated you all, my apologies. Much has happened in the last 10 months.

Most recently, I've been blessed with a new nephew, Gideon. Three little boys now await their aunt, who is very anxious to see them. Many of you already know, Shasta gave birth to twins in June of 2010. One of them, Malachi, has been diagnosed with cerebral palsy. That has been difficult, but she is handling it with grace and determination. He is doing various therapies to help his brain make those missing connections as it develops. She has started a blog at www.outrageousfortune.net.

I also have news about my "pending release," as my mother put it (I love the sound of that). These days, the Feds are almost broke enough to start holding bake sales to buy bombers, as the old saying goes, and they are now letting prisoners serve more of their time in half-way houses and home confinement. It is possible that I could be home as soon as October 2012. Yes! So soon. It would help if I had a job lined up already, so if any of you in Eugene or Portland know someone who might be willing to hire a convicted terrorist, please let me know.

I hadn't been thinking much about my release. I found it easier just to focus on what I'm doing here. But now that my time is coming to an end, it's exciting to think about being in the free world and starting a new life. I look forward to seeing all of you (and meeting some in person for the first time) who have stuck with me through these years.

Having so little time left has given me a push to step up my school work. I recently finished four classes and am mid-way through two more. It's clear I won't have time to complete my degree while I'm here, but I want to get as close as I can. Thank you so much to everyone who has helped pay my tuition. I could not have done it without your support. And I will need it all the more this year so I can register for more classes. If you are willing and able to donate to my education, please send checks to:

Deborah Kearns
PO Box 50307
Eugene, OR 97405
USA

Another development I'm quite excited about: I have been accepted into a group here that does dance performances in the church. My spiritual journey started with dance — moving with the rhythm of the music I felt like I was coming back into realignment with myself and with the world. It brought me a joy I'd never known and continues to teach me to go with the flow of life rather than against it. I feel blessed with this opportunity to now share with others how I have been transformed in such a positive way.

Some of you, I know, are surprised to hear I am involved with the Christian Church. Believe me, no one is more surprised than I am. While I was at Carswell, I spent a lot of time talking to Helen Woodson, a Catholic witness for peace and a long-time prisoner of conscience, about her faith. I was extremely skeptical, having mostly heard bad things about Christianity my whole life, but it opened my mind to want to learn more. After a year of intensive study and attending regular services, I've found a profound truth in Christ-humbleness, selfless service, submission to a universal will for good that is bigger and higher than my individual ego.

No, I am not going to come out of prison an intolerant, holier-than-thou Bible thumper. But, despite the fact that many of you may not understand it, I can't hide or ignore the impact that the Christian Church has had on me here. Life is full of unexpected turns. I pray that, though we may find ourselves in strange territory, we will always be heading in the right direction — towards greater love for each other and all that is.

Be good. Be kind. Be blessed.

Chelsea

Seasons Greetings!

Seasons Greetings!

As I write this, it is Thanksgiving, and I spent the morning meditating on everything I am grateful for. I am eternally grateful to all of you — my family, friends and supporters who have been such a blessing to me. You have helped transform this experience from a tragic nightmare into a rough but fruitful journey.

Along the way I have learned to be grateful for difficult people. This was the object of my meditation this morning. I had thought maybe when I moved here I would've left the difficult people behind in Carswell, but, turns out, there are difficult people everywhere (though there may be a somewhat higher concentration in prison). 

It's easy to be kind to those who are kind to us. It's much more of a challenge to keep an open heart to those who seem to mean us harm.

With the guidance of a Buddhist volunteer who comes to teach in the prison, I've been practicing tonglen, a method of generating compassion for others. Having real conflict in my life makes this practice immediate and authentic. It still feels bad at the time, but I'm getting better at handling it. I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have without all those difficult people along the way.

I've found another, unexpected, source for comfort as well. One of the university classes I'm taking is Literature of the Bible. It's an English class, not Theology, but I'm reading the Bible for the first time and learning how to decipher the author's intention. I've been going to church regularly, too, partly to aid in my understanding and partly because I appreciate the fellowship of others whose lives have been touched by spiritual truth. I also just enjoy the services — full of joyous dancing and singing. I know many of you have a poor impression of the Christian church, as did I, and for good reason. But I am beginning to understand that, though some Christians may say otherwise, the message of Jesus is love.

So this Christmas, I invite you to celebrate the birth of Christ, a teacher of compassion. May we all be blessed with guidance, in whatever form it takes. May we all become more humble, more caring, more kind.

Chelsea

Moved to Tallahassee

Chelsea was moved to FCI Tallahassee. Please see the sidebar for her new address.

Back to school

Dear friends and family,

I am very happy to report that after having a pacemaker/defribulator implanted in December, my mother is in much better health. She is coming to visit in April for my birthday, and I can't wait to see her.
I've been very busy with school and haven't had much time for correspondance (my apologies for being a bad pen-pal; I do still very much appreciate letters). I finished two anthropology courses and started two others: Intro to Psychology and Human Physiology. The physiology class is really tough, even more so because of the contraints of taking it from here. There are no lectures to bring the material into focus and explain complex processes. I can't get timely responses to questions and don't have access to other information sources. Good grades have always come fairly easily to me, but I'm struggling with this one. After burying myself in the textbook for the past month, I finally feel like I'm ready to take the mid-term. We'll see how I do.
In both classes, I'm learning interesting things about the science of the brain/mind. The unique physiology of our brains and our accumulated mental habits define our experience of the world. This is a key concept in Buddhism -- reality is not as solid, objective and unchanging as it appears. Because our perceptions are not always accurate, especially when judging the actions or motivations of others, it is always best to procede with openness and compassion.
I am in the process of applying to the University of Ohio's College Program for the Incarcerated, the only degree-granting institution available to prisoners. I have been able to take some classes from an agricultural/mechanical college at a lower cost. Together with the credits from before my arrest, I am more than halfway to earning a Bachelor Degree. Most of my remaining classes will have to be from the university and, unfortunately, the tuition is significantly more expensive.
Contrary to all common sense about rehabilitation, inmates are not eligible for financial aid, following an act of Congress in 1994. As a convicted terrorist, I'm not exactly an ideal scholarship candidate either. As for other sources, for the past year, my mom has been unable to work due to her health and my dad has been laid off periodically because of recession-induced plant closures.
So, I am asking for help to cover the cost of tuition. I know many of you are in the midst of your own financial difficulties and I do not want to add to anyone's hardship. Working for 26-cents an hour at my prison job has given me a new perspective on money. Contributions of any amount would be very much appreciated. Please send donations to my mother, who will be paying the tuition bills:
Deborah Kearns
PO Box 50307
Eugene, OR 97405
Thank you for all your love and support,

Chelsea

Autumn reflections

Dear friends and family,

Earlier this year, a new inmate e-mail system was installed in my unit and I've mentioned to some of you that I may be able to use it. Unfortunately, after many months of deliberations and reversals by prison administrations from the local to national level, they have decided I will not be allowed access to e-mail.
I'm disappointed. As we all know, e-mail is much more convenient. I was lucky to have it for the few months I was at FDC Sea-Tac (prior to the institution of a new policy).
I know it's an anachronism these days, so I appreciate everyone taking the time to write and send things through the Pony Express. I mean, USPS.
In yet another episode of "My Life as a Convicted Terrorist," I was having a lot of trouble receiving the textbooks for my Buddhist correspondence class, I believe because of new concerns within the BOP regarding religious material that supports terrorism (this following several arrests of suspected terrorists who converted to Islam while in U.S. prisons).
The idea of Buddhist terrorism is pretty ridiculous. The class I'm taking now, in fact, is teaching me how to help others without, whether intentionally or not, causing harm. But I suppose if Muslim materials have to be heavily vetted then mine do, too (another so-called "terrorist" in my unit had the same problem receiving Orthodox Catholic texts).
I filed an administrative grievance and did finally get them, six months after the class started, and I haven't had any problems since. I'm glad because, as I've said probably enough times you're sick of hearing it, the study and practice of dharma has helped me tremendously in dealing with difficult people and situations in prison, for example, confronting hostility with neither aggressiveness nor passivity.
Speaking of difficult people, we went through a particularly rough patch with our unit "problem child" this summer. We spent many hours on emergency lock-down or cleaning up her floods, ruined property and walls smeared with blood and feces. The past couple months have been better, but living with the mentally unstable is always a challenge. The unit demographics are gradually shifting towards more well-behaved "terrorists" and less violent out-of-control disciplinary transfers. But this is the only elevated security unit for federal women prisoners, so, at least for some time, we'll continue to have this weird mix of people.
Many of you know that my mother was hospitalized this year for a serious heart condition. It made me very sad that I couldn't be with her, but it helps to know she has a strong network of support. I appreciate everyone's efforts on her behalf. Being self-employed, she doesn't have health insurance, so it's really brought into focus the need for health care reform. Contrary to the clamor about "socialized medicine," my experience in Canada was that it works a lot better than our for-profit system. Please contact your Congressional representatives and let your voice be heard.
Autumn reminds us that the only constant is change. The weather turns cold, leaves fall, the light fades. Life ebbs and flows. I hope in this season you find the time to rest, reflect, and take comfort in loved ones.
Be well,

Chelsea

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun the real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings." — Wendell Berry

Springtime in Texas

Dear friends and family,

Spring is upon us here in Texas. The grass outside the fence has turned to a carpet of yellow and purple flowers, trees are budding with leaves and the birds that inhabit the crossbars of our caged yard have gone into an amorous frenzy.
It rarely gets cold enough to keep me inside ‒ I take a walk at least once a day ‒ but I'm glad it's getting warm enough again to sit outside. Aside from the fresh air, sunshine and nice view (better than the ubiquitous beige brick) the yard is a much-needed refuge from the yelling that often echoes through the unit. I'm getting better at tuning it out, but I prefer to avoid it when I can.
It took me way too long ‒ 9 months ‒ but I've finally finished my Sociology class. For my final assignment I studied how gender relates to prison social dynamics. Basically, the prison system was designed for men. Women's prisons mostly follow the same policies and procedures, but with female inmates the strict rules and rigid hierarchy become slightly more casual. Staff find they do better with more of a rational approach: explaining things, rather than giving orders, for example. In sociological terms, this is called expressive leadership, as opposed to instrumental leadership, which is found more in men's prisons. I knew there was a big difference between male and female institutions, but doing this research emphasized how much better I have it (also, because it's federal, rather than a state prison, and a medical center). Being in a max-security unit is less than ideal, for many reasons, but as prisons go, it could be a lot worse.
I've also begun the second year of Buddhist courses. The first year was dedicated to studying Hinayana, or basic vehicle. It teaches that all things, including the "self," are impermanent and interdependent. We cause ourselves to suffer by resisting the ever-changing quality of existence. This was a valuable lesson for me. I can't change my circumstance, but I could make it worse by stewing over how I'd like it to be different.
This year's courses are on the Mahayana, or greater vehicle, which is about serving others. Though it's been my intention to act compassionately through most of my life, I have not always done so with a clear mind, open heart and pure motivation, so I've been looking forward to this section. I'm also in the midst of a 90-day meditation challenge, sponsored by Tricycle, a Buddhist magazine. I had gotten lax in my practice lately, but having a specific goal is motivating me to do it every day. It started on the same day as Lent and follows a similar idea Ñ a rededication for a specific period of time that has lasting benefits. I definitely feel better when I meditate regularly, so hopefully I can keep it up.
I've started watching a new telenovela called "Mañana es Para Siempre" (Tomorrow is Forever). Most are pretty stupid and superficial, like American soap operas, but this one is a bit more cinematic ‒ a story of lovers kept apart for years by malevolent forces. It's more entertaining and probably more effective than studying Spanish from a book every night, but still I'm glad telenovelas only run for a few months because that's about all the time I want to commit to watching TV regularly. I'm able to follow the story and most of the dialogue, but I also watch with Spanish-speaking friends, so I can ask if I get confused.
My other nightly entertainment is a book group. One person reads aloud, even doing different voices and accents for the various characters, while the rest of us work on crafts. I'm currently crocheting an afghan for my bed. We're reading Neil Gaiman's "Coraline" now, having enjoyed his latest, "The Graveyard Book." We often read children's chapter books ‒ Inkheart, Lemony Snicket, Chronicles of Narnia ‒ because they read aloud well and don't require too much concentration. If anyone has suggestions of other books in this vein, please let me know.
We've noticed that newly released children's books are quite dark compared to what we read when we were young. I suppose it's a reflection of the times. Their message of marshaling your courage and pressing forward despite a bleak landscape full of adversity speaks to many of us adults, too.
I am feeling hopeful about the new direction the country is taking, but there will no doubt be difficulties ahead. I wish you all strength and clarity to face whatever challenges await you.
Love, 

Chelsea

Dear friends and family

I am happy that I am now able to write my own updates. As many of you know, my communications are monitored and restricted by the Department of Homeland Security, so I will keep this brief for now.
The holidays are always a difficult time for me to be separated from my family, but I am finding I have much to be grateful for this year. After three years, I finally feel like I have a home to celebrate in (albeit a modest and, thankfully, temporary one). Last year, I had just arrived here and was still segregated. Now, I have friends and can participate in holiday activities: we made ornaments and decorated our unit, I starred in our Christmas play (as a retired "elf," of course). Though there is typically considerable conflict and volatility in our unit (given that it houses just 18 of us), everyone is making an effort to get along during the holidays and I am enjoying the relative peace.
Max security prison isn't an ideal environment for focused concentration, but I have been making steady progress throughout the year on academic and personal pursuits. I am taking several correspondence courses, including a college sociology class. I am still hoping to finish my degree here, but, unfortunately, it's hard to find classes that fit within prison rules. I'm taking a series of Buddhist correspondence courses which is helping me tremendously in this chaotic environment. Also, my self-taught Spanish is getting better and better. If anyone has suggestions for Spanish-language novels, please send them.
I injured my knee playing sports in the summer, but with the help of physical therapy, it is now healed. I am very glad to be able to exercise regularly again. I find it's not just good for my body, but for my mind as well.
I am very grateful for all of the support I have received this year „ letters, cards, books and financial donations. They make a huge difference in my quality of life. If you would like to send me something for Christmas (or at any other time of the year) please see the guidelines on the right side bar on the website. We had previously recommended sending money through Western Union, but sending postal money orders (not directly to me, there is a different Bureau of Prisons address) appears to be equally reliable, easier for some, and avoids paying an extra fee. Please let me know when you send money or books, so I can verify their receipt. Thank you for your generosity.
I wish you all joy and peace this season and throughout the year. May we all experience grace.

Chelsea