Autumn reflections

Dear friends and family,

Earlier this year, a new inmate e-mail system was installed in my unit and I've mentioned to some of you that I may be able to use it. Unfortunately, after many months of deliberations and reversals by prison administrations from the local to national level, they have decided I will not be allowed access to e-mail.
I'm disappointed. As we all know, e-mail is much more convenient. I was lucky to have it for the few months I was at FDC Sea-Tac (prior to the institution of a new policy).
I know it's an anachronism these days, so I appreciate everyone taking the time to write and send things through the Pony Express. I mean, USPS.
In yet another episode of "My Life as a Convicted Terrorist," I was having a lot of trouble receiving the textbooks for my Buddhist correspondence class, I believe because of new concerns within the BOP regarding religious material that supports terrorism (this following several arrests of suspected terrorists who converted to Islam while in U.S. prisons).
The idea of Buddhist terrorism is pretty ridiculous. The class I'm taking now, in fact, is teaching me how to help others without, whether intentionally or not, causing harm. But I suppose if Muslim materials have to be heavily vetted then mine do, too (another so-called "terrorist" in my unit had the same problem receiving Orthodox Catholic texts).
I filed an administrative grievance and did finally get them, six months after the class started, and I haven't had any problems since. I'm glad because, as I've said probably enough times you're sick of hearing it, the study and practice of dharma has helped me tremendously in dealing with difficult people and situations in prison, for example, confronting hostility with neither aggressiveness nor passivity.
Speaking of difficult people, we went through a particularly rough patch with our unit "problem child" this summer. We spent many hours on emergency lock-down or cleaning up her floods, ruined property and walls smeared with blood and feces. The past couple months have been better, but living with the mentally unstable is always a challenge. The unit demographics are gradually shifting towards more well-behaved "terrorists" and less violent out-of-control disciplinary transfers. But this is the only elevated security unit for federal women prisoners, so, at least for some time, we'll continue to have this weird mix of people.
Many of you know that my mother was hospitalized this year for a serious heart condition. It made me very sad that I couldn't be with her, but it helps to know she has a strong network of support. I appreciate everyone's efforts on her behalf. Being self-employed, she doesn't have health insurance, so it's really brought into focus the need for health care reform. Contrary to the clamor about "socialized medicine," my experience in Canada was that it works a lot better than our for-profit system. Please contact your Congressional representatives and let your voice be heard.
Autumn reminds us that the only constant is change. The weather turns cold, leaves fall, the light fades. Life ebbs and flows. I hope in this season you find the time to rest, reflect, and take comfort in loved ones.
Be well,

Chelsea

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and that when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun the real journey. The mind that is not baffled is not employed. The impeded stream is the one that sings." — Wendell Berry

Springtime in Texas

Dear friends and family,

Spring is upon us here in Texas. The grass outside the fence has turned to a carpet of yellow and purple flowers, trees are budding with leaves and the birds that inhabit the crossbars of our caged yard have gone into an amorous frenzy.
It rarely gets cold enough to keep me inside ‒ I take a walk at least once a day ‒ but I'm glad it's getting warm enough again to sit outside. Aside from the fresh air, sunshine and nice view (better than the ubiquitous beige brick) the yard is a much-needed refuge from the yelling that often echoes through the unit. I'm getting better at tuning it out, but I prefer to avoid it when I can.
It took me way too long ‒ 9 months ‒ but I've finally finished my Sociology class. For my final assignment I studied how gender relates to prison social dynamics. Basically, the prison system was designed for men. Women's prisons mostly follow the same policies and procedures, but with female inmates the strict rules and rigid hierarchy become slightly more casual. Staff find they do better with more of a rational approach: explaining things, rather than giving orders, for example. In sociological terms, this is called expressive leadership, as opposed to instrumental leadership, which is found more in men's prisons. I knew there was a big difference between male and female institutions, but doing this research emphasized how much better I have it (also, because it's federal, rather than a state prison, and a medical center). Being in a max-security unit is less than ideal, for many reasons, but as prisons go, it could be a lot worse.
I've also begun the second year of Buddhist courses. The first year was dedicated to studying Hinayana, or basic vehicle. It teaches that all things, including the "self," are impermanent and interdependent. We cause ourselves to suffer by resisting the ever-changing quality of existence. This was a valuable lesson for me. I can't change my circumstance, but I could make it worse by stewing over how I'd like it to be different.
This year's courses are on the Mahayana, or greater vehicle, which is about serving others. Though it's been my intention to act compassionately through most of my life, I have not always done so with a clear mind, open heart and pure motivation, so I've been looking forward to this section. I'm also in the midst of a 90-day meditation challenge, sponsored by Tricycle, a Buddhist magazine. I had gotten lax in my practice lately, but having a specific goal is motivating me to do it every day. It started on the same day as Lent and follows a similar idea Ñ a rededication for a specific period of time that has lasting benefits. I definitely feel better when I meditate regularly, so hopefully I can keep it up.
I've started watching a new telenovela called "Mañana es Para Siempre" (Tomorrow is Forever). Most are pretty stupid and superficial, like American soap operas, but this one is a bit more cinematic ‒ a story of lovers kept apart for years by malevolent forces. It's more entertaining and probably more effective than studying Spanish from a book every night, but still I'm glad telenovelas only run for a few months because that's about all the time I want to commit to watching TV regularly. I'm able to follow the story and most of the dialogue, but I also watch with Spanish-speaking friends, so I can ask if I get confused.
My other nightly entertainment is a book group. One person reads aloud, even doing different voices and accents for the various characters, while the rest of us work on crafts. I'm currently crocheting an afghan for my bed. We're reading Neil Gaiman's "Coraline" now, having enjoyed his latest, "The Graveyard Book." We often read children's chapter books ‒ Inkheart, Lemony Snicket, Chronicles of Narnia ‒ because they read aloud well and don't require too much concentration. If anyone has suggestions of other books in this vein, please let me know.
We've noticed that newly released children's books are quite dark compared to what we read when we were young. I suppose it's a reflection of the times. Their message of marshaling your courage and pressing forward despite a bleak landscape full of adversity speaks to many of us adults, too.
I am feeling hopeful about the new direction the country is taking, but there will no doubt be difficulties ahead. I wish you all strength and clarity to face whatever challenges await you.
Love, 

Chelsea